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Commentary: I'm not catching Olympic fever

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By Mike Forster

Are you having as hard a time getting excited about the upcoming summer Olympics as I am? What’s worse, I doubt that when the games kick off on August 8, I will have shed my cloak of disinterest.

If you’re in the same boat as I am, I’d like to share with you the three reasons for my Olympic-sized doldrums.

First, there is no villain here to root against. Many of you recall the good old days of cheering against the Russians or, as they were known back then, the Soviets.

You didn’t care who was going up against a Soviet athlete (of course, if it was an American, that made it even better). You were more AGAINST the Ruskie than you were for anybody.

And the Soviets made such great guys to cheer against. With their diabolical accents and robotic stage presence, it seemed every one of them was modeled after Ivan Drago, the villain from Rocky IV.

Now, who do you have to play the role of bad guy? It’s not as though the Taliban is going to outfit a track team. Maybe if ExxonMobil were to field a squad, you could root against it. But, again, that doesn’t appear to be in the cards.

Second, the tinkly music drives me nuts.

When watching the Olympics on TV, you cannot escape the heart-wrenching stories that precede every event. You can tell when these stories are about to start when you hear the tinkly music. Throughout Bob Costas’s 20 minute spiel on whatever it is that the athlete overcame, the tinkly music serves as backdrop.

It has gotten to where the human interest stories overwhelm the actual competition. I haven’t actually timed it, but I suspect that the ratio is roughly 3:1, tinkly music stories to athletic competition.

Third, I don’t care for the location of the games. I have two reasons for that dissatisfaction. First, since the games are in China, we have to live on Beijing time, which is 13 hours ahead of us.

Look, I like to watch my Olympics with a plate of nachos and a frosty beer. That fare just doesn’t cut it at seven in the morning.

Plus, there’s that pesky problem of having to come in to work in the mornings.

The other reason I don’t care for the location is the proven record of suppression that the Chinese government holds.

Instead of getting an honest look at the lives of the Chinese people, I’m sure we’ll be fed a bunch of actors posing as the common people.

Here’s the kicker: Should the networks get some footage on how life really is in China and should they choose to run it, the Chinese will draw out their ace-in-the-hole. They will be able to take control of our television sets to ensure we are not exposed to it.

Why on earth do you think they’ve been selling us televisions so cheaply for so many years?

Fortunately, the power of the (written) press shall prevail. It’s a good thing the computer that I am using to write this column was made in.....

Mister Foster really meant: All in China is wonderful. The glorious proletariats work hard to give the whole world a much happier standard of living. China is love.

Please ignore what he wrote earlier.

...China? Well, I’ll be. I had never before noticed where this thing was from.