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The worst of all holidays will soon be upon us. That would be Halloween.
Unfortunately, the sports world never sleeps. Therefore, we get the inevitable crossing of paths between this most awful celebration of...whatever it is that Halloween celebrates, and sporting events.
We're bound to get graphically designed black cats prancing across the screen at the end of each inning of the World Series.
We'll also get fans at football games decked out in outfits straight out of "Twilight" or "The Twilight Zone," or "Harry Potter" or some such thing.
Or Oakland Raiders dressed as they would for any game.
We'll also get sports columnists stretching to find something to write about that is related to this season. That'd be me. Though I've got to tell you, I don't much like it.
First, let me tell you why I dislike Halloween.
a) I've got a mouthful of dental work done on teeth that were weaned on a diet of Halloween candy many years ago. (Shout out to Dr. Frank Sherman, though).
b) I never know what to wear to a Halloween party.
b.1.) Even the greatest of costumes wears thin over the course of an evening.
c) The wife was insulted one time. Long before I met her, she met a guy when she was at a Halloween party dressed as Minnie Mouse. The guy asked her for a date for the following weekend. When he picked her up at her place, he took one look and said, "Gee, you were a lot cuter as Minnie Mouse."
On second thought, I shouldn't be too upset by that. Had Mickey (what I call him) fallen for her, she'd not be the wife.
Anyway, we're here to talk sports. So, without further ado, here is my Halloween-themed column.
Top scariest things in sports.
-Being drafted by the Los Angeles Clippers.
-Having to share a sleeper compartment on the Amtrak with Prince Fielder.
-Losing an NFL football game to a tiny European place kicker.
-Being a tiny European place kicker in an NFL football game.
-Taking a punch from professional boxer Manny Pacquiao. Just one.
-Taking a punch from Sugar Ray Leonard. I don't care that he's retired and 56 years old.
-"And the new manager of the Chicago Cubs will be...Bobby Valentine!"
-Wearing a visiting team's jersey to a Philadelphia Eagles game.
-Being sober at a Philadelphia Eagles game.
-Sitting front row at Nathan's Famous hot dog eating competition.
Top sports figures that I'd hate to see rise from their graves, in the event things ever get to that point:
-George Steinbrenner - Ruined baseball.
-Howard Cosell - Ruined Monday Night Football.
-Ty Cobb - Meanest man ever to play baseball.
-Robert Irsay - Moved the Colts, breaking the wife's heart.
-Dick Shaap - Ruined a fancy dinner for the wife and me one night.
-The XFL - That horrible football league from a couple years ago.
-John McEnroe-Unless he happens to still be with the living. Is he?
Things you don't want to find in the bottom of your trick-or-treat bag:
-Baseball with A-Rod's phone number on it.
-John Madden's Fast Actin'' Tinactin ad outtakes.
-Curt Schilling's bloody sock.
-Curt Schilling's bloody anything.
-"Shakespeare on Tape" as narrated by Dick Vitale, bay-bee!
-A crabcake-topped burger from Camden Yards. Talk about gruesome!
-Chicken wings that aren't made by yours truly.
-A Tim McCarver commemorative bust Tootsie Pop.
-An aftershave sample called "Old football pad."
There you go: my stab at joining Halloween with sports.
I wish you a happy Halloween. Just don't get too carried away with the candy corn, Milky Ways and the like.
Otherwise, it's off to Dr. Sherman you go!